Humor

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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What did the aspiring Yogi say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

submitted by: Porter Poole

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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

submitted by: Vencie Boatwright

In reverse order, here are 50 oxymorons to brighten your week. 50. Act naturally 49. Found missing 48. Resident alien 47. Advanced BASIC 46. Genuine imitation 45. Airline food 44. Good grief 43. Same difference 42 Almost exactly 41. Government organization 40. Sanitary landfill 39. Alone together 38. Legally drunk 37. Silent scream 36. British fashion 35. Living dead 34. Small crowd 33. Business ethics 32. Soft rock 31. Butt head 30. Military intelligence 29. Software documentation 28. New York culture 27. Extinct life 26. Sweet sorrow 25. Childproof 24. “Now, then...” 23. Synthetic natural gas 22. Christian scientists 21. Passive aggression 20. Taped live 19. Clearly misunderstood 18. Peace force 17. New classic 16. Temporary tax increase 15. Italian Army 14. Plastic glasses 13. Terribly pleased 12. Computer security 11. Political science 10. Tight slacks 9. Definite maybe 8. Pretty ugly 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake 6. Diet ice cream 5. Rap music 4. Working vacation 3. Exact estimate 2. Religious tolerance
And the NUMBER ONE top OXY-Moron 1. Microsoft Works

Submitted by: The Joke Generator

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example...Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did."

submitted by: Catherine Walker

A business owner, who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her." He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine because:
1. In order to get their attention. you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

submitted by: Sarah Kimmes

Veteran Pillsbury Spokesman, Pop-N Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71 years old. Fresh was buried with one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including: Mrs Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, Chef Boy-Ar-Dee and the Hostess Twinkies. The gravesite was piled high with flours, as long time friend, Aunt Jemima ,delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered to be a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 or about 20 minutes.

submitted by: Catherine Walker

submitted by: Sheila Busby

A fellow came into a restaurant, sat down at the bar, and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his drink, he heard this tiny voice that said "Nice haircut!". The man looked around but didn't see anyone. A few minutes passed and once again this same small voice said "What a nice tie you have on!" He turned completely around, looking carefully, but there was nobody there. Getting a little uneasy, he heard the voice again. "That sure is a nice jacket your wearing!".

Wondering what was going on, he called the bartender over and asked, "Bartender, Am I going crazy? I keep hearing this tiny voice and yet there's nobody around." The bartender replied, "Oh that's just the peanuts. They're complimentary."

submitted by: Bob Bowers

submitted by: Rick Ellul

A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at an American shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his Father, "What is this Father?".

The Father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don`t know what it is!".

While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a
wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.

The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".

submitted by: Linda Rickman

The car breakdown

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?".

submitted by: Tracey Saunders

Clever Sayings

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The fellow that is a good sport has to lose to prove it.

 

If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average.

 

Everyone complains of memory, no one of his judgement.

 

"The most interesting information comes from children, for
they tell all they know and then stop." - Mark Twain